Bad Days and Printers
by PureSirius
Summary: Crack fic for LilyoftheShadow. Tala's girlfriend is pissed off and determined to build her own death printer. I take no responsibility for this.


"Bad Days and Printers"

One shot for Liz...

_SLAM!_

The entire mansion shook as an irate blond girl stormed noisily through the front door, passed the kitchen, and up the stairs, before slamming her bedroom door shut.

Kai looked at Tala, who was sitting across from him at the counter bar, staring determinedly at the open Beyblade magazine featuring an article about siblings in the sport. There was a picture of the battle he and his sister had last year in the middle of the page with the words "SIBLING RIVALRY" splashed across the front.

"Tala..."

The redhead ignored him and flipped to the next page. His eyes weren't even moving.

Kai grabbed the magazine. "Tala," he spoke more firmly.

Tala slowly looked up with a look of apprehension. He knew Kai was going to ask him why his girlfriend just stormed through the house in a rage. He didn't know. He didn't want to know. But he knew he didn't want anything to do with it.

Before he could beg his friend not to make him face a potentially murderous girlfriend, several loud _bangs_ and _thuds_ echoed through the house from the room the girl had barricaded herself in. There was a short silence before...

"WHO THE HELL USES PAINT FOR A SCHOOL GRAPIHCS PROJECT? AND HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO CUT YOUR STUPID BUSINESS CARDS YOU DON'T EVEN NEED BECAUSE YOU'RE IN COLLEGE AND NONE OF US ARE GOING TO GET A GODDAMN JOB AFTER COLLEGE ANYWAY ARRGGHHHH! DIE DIE DIIIIIEEEE!"

There were several more bangs that sounded more like small explosions and shook the entire mansion.

Kai glared irritably at the ceiling. "She better not break anything."

"_That's_ what you're worried about?!" Tala yelled incredulously.

Liz was insane on the best of days.

Even on their first date, she insisted the restaurant give her extra marshmallows in her dessert, and used them to make a mini army on the table. She then proceeded to flick them at Tala, the waiters, and even other patrons, declaring them enemies of the State.

He shuddered remembering how long it took him to wash the marshmallow goop from his hair after she held him down, smashed the entire s'more-inspired dish on his head, and told him that he was now hers forever. And somehow that had still not been the worst date.

But today was not one of her "best" days.

And on her "worst" days, she was downright psychotic. The last time she came home angry, yelling something about the mall petting zoo no longer having those insane purple llamas, she found a mini-uzi, and modified it to shoot giant, exploding marshmallows.

When the police asked where she bought it, she proudly chirped, "Ebay!"

No.

Whatever was happening in their room right now, Tala did not want to be in the middle of it. Especially when explosions were involved. He knew she stashed nitro-glycerin somewhere in their room, but he didn't care to find out where it was.

"Whatever it is-"

_BANG!_

"DAMN IT YOU PIECE OFF SHIT PRINTER! HOW GODDAMN HARD IS IT TO TURN INTO A DEATH RAY?! YOU'RE A LASER PRINTER FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!"

There was the unmistakable sound of glass shattering and a loud crash on the concrete patio in the backyard. With one startled look at Kai, Tala jumped from his chair and ran outside.

On the patio, was a smoking heap of plastic and metal that Tala assumed was once a printer. It was so mangled that it was hard to tell.

"YOU!" Liz appeared in the window, wearing her Napoleon hat, and pointing down at them with the katana Tala was sure he confiscated. "AWAY FROM MY DEATH RAY! AWAY!"

"Liz!" Tala called up to her desperately, glad he was well away from the brandishing sword. "What happened?"

Immediately he knew he said the wrong thing.

Her eyes widened maniacally as she started shouting again.

"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED! ALL I WANTED WAS LUNCH AND THOSE MORONS RUINED IT WITH THEIR TASTELESS POSTERS AND BUSINESS CARDS!"

Tears began running down her cheeks. "I just want a screwdriver and become a commune farmer!" she bawled.

Tala was at a complete loss. Normally, his sister, Korimi, would handle things like this, but he never thought to ask how to do it.

As if on cue, his phone buzzed with a text from Korimi.

_"Liz texted me, but I was in class. I think she was update because she mentioned something about turning the school printers into death traps that would eliminate people who used Paint and printed business cards. Can you check on her? I have another class so I can't."_

"That explains the printer..." he muttered.

"KAI!"

Liz had disappeared from the window while Tala was looking at his phone, and now stood in front of them. She was still in her work clothes, holding the katana and wearing the ridiculous Napoleon hat.

"Where is your printer?" She demanded imperiously, swinging the sword forward so it was inches from Kai's nose.

He just raised an eyebrow at her and pushed the blade away from him.

"Don't point that thing at me."

"Where is it?!" She pointed it at him again.

He glared at her.

"Get that thing out of my face."

"Give up the printer!"

"No."

Tala expected her to yell. Scream. Attempt to spear Kai like a piece of kabob meat. Instead, her eyes watered, and she flung herself on the ground, the katana flying out of her hands and landing somewhere in the bushes.

"KAI HATES MEEEE!"

Kai rolled his eyes and tried to walk passed her to let Tala figure everything out, but she latched onto his leg.

"Please!" she begged. "I'll be nice to it! Treat it well! I'll treat it all proper-like and take it out for dinner! What color ink does it like? Pleeaasse! I need a death printer!"

Kai glared at Tala like this was all entirely his fault. And perhaps it was - he _had_ convinced Kai to let her live with them. Moments like these made him wonder if it was mistake or not. On the one hand, she was a danger to the general public. He was doing a public service. On the other, they were more-or-less risking their lives.

His phone buzzed again with another message from his sister.

_'If she's wearing the Napoleon hat, she'll probably start crying soon. When that happens, just open the top right cabinet over the fridge. There should be sake, soju, wine, and vodka in there. Whatever drink she asked for while yelling about being a farmer, make several until she can't see straight. Good luck!'_

He blinked. Did Liz come with a manual or something?!

Another buzz.

_'If she asks for a screwdriver, there's one in the cabinet with the alcohol. Don't forget to put it in the drink or she'll buy another flamethrower.'_

Tala swallowed at the memory. They still hadn't rebuilt the shed Liz burned down with her last "Ebay purchase..."

Nervously, he cleared his throat and stepped a little closer. "H-how about a screw-"

That was all he managed to say before she tackled him to the ground, her hat flying off her head and Kai completely forgotten along with his printer.

She kissed him.

He was too much in shock to react, so he just laid on his back until she pulled away.

When he tried to move, he realized he couldn't - his wrists were tied together.

He paled as she grinned at him. He knew that look. It was a very bad, dangerous look.

"C'mon Tally!" She sing-songed. Her mood suddenly uplifting as she dragged him to his feet. "I can show you the edible printer ink I developed!"

"But your-"

His phone buzzed again, and he managed to pull it out of his pocket with some difficulty.

_'Be careful about saying screwdriver. Actually, don't say it at all. Rei tried once, and she tied him up after he said 'screw''_

His eyes widened. "KAI!"

The front door slammed in response.

He was alone.

"Don't worry Tally, this time I'll keep he fire extinguisher next to the bed!"

He was going to kill Kai if he survived this...


End file.
